Ketchup is God's man juice
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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