I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
