you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
