I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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