i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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