i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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