Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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