Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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