possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
