so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
