Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
