I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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