Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
