i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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