believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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