So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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