So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
