he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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