Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
