I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
