You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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