god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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