tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
