90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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