if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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