1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
