When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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