I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize