I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
