pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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