does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
