why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
