The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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