in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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