fuck your aforementioned shoe
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
