I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
