life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
