my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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