I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
