8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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