He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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