i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
