What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i was born a porn star she said
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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