I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
