the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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