Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
