I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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