i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
