Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
