I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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