Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
