hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
