Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
