After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
