Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
