Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
