my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
